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“How was your day at school?”

“F���Ա�.”

Does this sound familiar? This is the dreaded response to a well-intentioned question that parents might ask.

The robot-sounding response is what parents hear when their child limits the information they share with parents, or has stopped sharing information, about their school day.

When parents hear “fine,” they may react in different ways. Some parents may seek out . However, research has shown that , especially to developing teenagers.

because they are tired of hearing the same response. However, research has shown that .

As a result, parents may feel discouraged. How can they get their kids to talk about their school day, without irritating them or having them shut down?

Communication at different ages

Across all ages, studies have found that parental communication can protect . High parental involvement can also positively influence . And notably, positive communication can strengthen .

But like all aspects of development, communication skills unfold over time.

Kindergarten to Grade 1

School day conversations with young children typically revolve around school subjects, new friendships or concrete experiences. For example, a young child might share: “I played on the monkey bars at recess!”

You can further support your young child’s development by . For example, “I saw that Joey took your toy today. How did that make you feel?” It can also be helpful to , by verbalizing what you notice, such as:

“It sounds like you were feeling angry because Joey took your toy.”

Grades 2 - 3

Friendships become . They may be more interested in talking about their new peer relationships than schoolwork. Try showing interest by asking about their friends, such as:

“Tell me about your friend. What do they like to do at recess?”

Grades 4 - 5

Kids might start to view your . It may be easier to approach questions by asking about your child’s peers to start a conversation. You might try asking:

“What do your friends think about the new science teacher?”

Grades 6 - 12

The establishment of personal identity and independence . As a result, your . You can support these developmental milestones by demonstrating your interest in their opinions allowing your teen some privacy when needed, and allowing them to take part in family decision making.

Regardless of your child’s age, keep in mind that the quality of frequent but small positive conversations you have with your child over time .

Parents shouldn’t stop trying to talk to their kids if kids seem unresponsive. (Shutterstock)

Tips for getting kids to open up

Communication is a two-way street. How can parents communicate with children when they don’t seem responsive?

1. Ask open-ended questions

The question “How was your day?” is considered a closed-ended question because it can be answered with one word. Certainly, for some kids, this question could prompt a lengthy chat. But for others, these questions result in the conversation stoppers discussed above.

If that’s the case, try to get the discussion going with an open-ended question like “Tell me what you liked most about your day.” Or you could reflect on as a lead-in:

“I see you are in a mixed grade with older kids now. What did you notice about the Grade 4s?”

2. Avoid many questions right after school

Kids are often quite tired at the end of the school day. If they are not up to talking right away, . Once refuelled, they may be up for sharing about their school day.

3. For specific information, vary your angle

You might want to know something specific about your child’s day, like whether they were bullied or if someone caused them to feel upset. However, asking direct questions like “Why are you so mad?” can feel like an invasion of privacy.

If you’re concerned about your child, start with a different angle to the question. You could take an indirect route, like “You seemed upset after school, what happened?” Or, begin a conversation with a broader question first, such as:

“Do you think any kids in your class are being bullied?”

4. Listen before your talk

Parents who listen communicate that they are interested in and understanding of their child. But becoming a good listener can take practice. When your child tells you about their day, .

5. Promote problem solving

If your child mentions they are struggling in some way at school, such as with a peer or teacher, or in understanding their math homework, avoid trying to fix it for them.

Rather, use it as an opportunity to foster problem solving by encouraging your child to come up with a few possible solutions to their problem. Then help them pick what seems like the best solution, and then evaluate with them whether the solution was effective or not. If not, go back to the drawing board together and try again!

5. If necessary, seek help

If your child stops opening up about their daily activities, it can be worrisome. This is especially if the case if your once-chatty child has suddenly become a closed book. If you notice drastic changes in your child’s behaviour, it is worth checking in with your child’s family doctor, teacher or seeking services from a mental health professional.

Committing to communicating with our kids means taking the time to really connect with them. If parents repeatedly ask questions that are intentional, caring and engaging, they may soon be surprised to see that their kids are the ones who want to talk about their school day without being prompted!

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, PhD student, Department of Psychology, and , Assistant Professor, Canada Research Chair in Determinants of Child Development, Owerko Centre at the Alberta Children’s Hospital Research Institute,

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